Nobody knows how truly loyal I am when it comes to being a friend. Everybody has there different way of being a “friend” but mine is so deep within the meaning that you’ll think its something epic. And I can truly say my friendship is epic. If you see me as a friend, I value you for life. And if you don’t see that, you are wasting my time. I hate to cut people off, but not everybody deserves my friendship. I’m not the most social person. I don’t talk or text or meet up everyday, week, weekend, month or damn near year. When push comes to shove when I am needed or when we do meet, my friendship resonates like no time has been passed. You will know that I am your friend. I have to remind myself of this because everybody does not get it. But this most important thing is that I do, and I hope my friends do too.
I look back on my past entries and I have notice this creature that I keep bumping into called love has evolve into a ripple effect. And it’s not just love with a person; it’s love with my job, my friend, my life, myself. I constantly sign the dotted line with Impatience thinking that all of my problems will be gone; only to find out that it is only being suppressed and reborn and predestined to be with the one thing that I am starting to believe who I belong to, Loneliness. I’m starting to believe she is part of a conspiracy with Karma and Impatience to stamp a vendetta on my heart to never reach Love. Especially, most importantly, for myself. I’ve had affairs with each and every one of them and at the time they were the one that was consoling me the most because I thought my feelings for everything was gone. No, it was consumed, used and misused back into my life with a slap on my face that could only shed tears. You would think that I would have seen this coming. Everything in my life has come back over and over with just 2 times the headache and mischief. Meaning, right now in my life I am facing the ripple effect with 50 times its power if not more.
Also, for some reason this ripple effect makes me want to erase everything and I mean just about everything. And sometime I literally do it. I guess you can call it a defense mechanism because it makes me feel a whole lot better but I know deep down that it only last for a short while. I don’t know what else to say. I mean if you can look back, I’ve said already. That is why it is called the ripple effect.
She suppressed everything. After rejection and betrayals of many who she thought was worthy, she suppressed it all. 3 years did past and randomly met another. Cold and heartless she was she continued to hold back thinking it was just another. Out of nowhere, it cracked. She opened up. She gave in but never let it show’d too much because she didn’t know how it was going to go. As feeling emerged, the bad ones rushed in and over crowded all others. In 2 weeks time, she pushed the other away. Enough to not want to come back. Thus emerged the beast. She roared and growled her feelings to the other in 5 midnight hours. Nothing was returned. On the 5th night of the 1st hour, she wrote a tale and discovered something troubling. She couldn’t figure it out if she misses the person, the company, or the erotic acts. As heartless as it may sound, she couldn’t figure out which one. These were her reasons:
1. She only, literally knew the other for two weeks.
2. The first act was taken place on the first day.
3, She haven’t had the company of someone with such caliber for the past 3 years.
Could she be just erotically lusting? Could she actually have feeling for this person? Or does she just not want the company of friendship to end? The Heartless Beast is just a beast with a heart less of knowing how things was going to turn out. She doesn’t know how to cope. The other is driven in her mind unknowing on how to handle it. It would be easy to just suppress it all over again, but something is off to her. Why her? Why a girl that wasn’t her first choice? A girl that she wouldn’t normally foretell herself seeing. Why her? She can’t figure it out. The Beast wants to continue to roar and growl but all she thought to do was write in the 1st hour of the 5 day to let it all go. She wanted to let it all out so she can read and reread and wonder why has she has gone beastly over a girl she just met in 2 weeks. Will someone figure out The Tale of the Heartless Beast?
My traveling feet weeps, aching in pain despite responsibilities they are burden with. The endurance of an 9 hr. shift, the strength of an obese self and the resistance of a shatter, a crack, a sprain or broken a bone; they weep. They weep of the agony of pressure I put on them. Long days, long nights carrying me to a job I loathe back to home with another set of responsibilities. They weep.
I feel dismantled. Body is in one place while mind and spirit is in two other places. I don’t know what to do. My heart and mind is conflicting with each and bribing me to choose the better side.
My notebook says listen to your heart. Lately, my heart has been silent. She lets me decide things for myself now for some reason. I think she is upset with me because I barely ever listen to her. I, normally, for the cranium instincts. I can understand more of her logic than heart reasons. I assume the heart notice that I abandon her because of frivolous emotions. Emotions I rather live without. I haven’t paid too much attention to what heart is saying because I get too emotional. I get too involve. I overthink, my worst enemy.
I’m scared. I don’t know how to move forward. I’m 24 and I don’t have anything to show for it. I have a college degree, but in a vague subject called English. Born in a society of technology, English isn’t much of an accomplishment. From the words that I write now, you wouldn’t believe that I had everything planned out. I was going to get my Bachelors, Masters, and Ph.D in English/Creative Writing by the time I was 35, at it’s max. I wanted to teach at a subtle college, and create novels in my free time. I had it planned out, but life happened. I started doubting myself. Realizing I didn’t learn much in college from the requirements of being a Teacher. I wasn’t as discipline as I thought when it came to the technicalities and composition of grammar, which scared me to drop out of Graduate School. I’ve realized i took the easy road and wasn’t challenged the way that I could be. I was praised and passed by the creativity of my thoughts and ideas that lead me to failure of correct sentence structure. I realize, in Graduate School, it doesn’t matter what you write as long as you write it right. I couldn’t. I failed with flying colors, left and didn’t look back; or so I thought. It’s constantly eating me. Not knowing the value of something so small that’s keeping me from doing something so big. I want to start over. Get another degree. I want to learn and relearn the basics of writing. All I ever wanted to do was write.
I can reblog the whole #lit section of tumblr.
Love, where are you? You need to come here now. I need to talk to you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bear the heartache anymore. I need to rip my heart out of my chest and save it in a cooler for someone with better luck than me because I can’t take it. Why did I learn about you? Why did I watch movies, read books, listen to songs about you? I would have been fine not knowing what I never had but no, you was always there. You was there creating these thoughts, these fantasies, these dreams, these delusions that just filled my head with ideas. Ideas that wanted to become reality so badly. Unfortunately, I woke up in a reality where its not like these books, these movies, these songs. I dealt with lies, insecurities, heartache & most of all…loneliness. Because of you vs. this reality, I’ve build this wall. This tall, thick that has kept me guarded from what was real & what was fake but I’ve always had this cubby hole to see what was out there. I grown to be courageous, fearless to test the waters to see if it has changed. At first, I thought so. My wall started started crumbling down. I didnt care because I cared about someone. Right, before my wall was gone I realize I was in it alone. Always the friend never the girlfriend. Distance is a bitch to crawl over & it took part in it. Anyway, I stayed the friend. The best damn friend that I could be, but I’m tired of being the friend. Love, why do I always get the bad end of the stick. I admit you tried to help. You send me these beautiful women with beautiful hearts, beautiful souls but we will never be insync. I will just be settling. Settling backfires too that I have experienced before. I don’t want to waste my time on that either. I’ve been a big girl through all of this. I stayed the friend. I acted like I didnt want this girl. I just took it as another crush just being a crush. Contrary to my belief, still being this girl friend, I’ve gotten to know her more. Long story short love, why am I here? Why am I always here? It shouldn’t even be this serious. I’m just filled with unanswered questions that can’t be answered. I don’t want to hear that, “focus on you” or “let her come to you”. I’ve surpass those phases. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. It’s your damn fault. Fix it, fix it now. Make it go away. I want it all to go away. I want it all or nothing at all. I can’t deal. You’re making me want to be so heartless. You’re making want to leave everybody within my reach so I won’t have to deal. It’s so much easier. I don’t care if I become the bad guy. See, me? The bad guy. Who would be content with that? My mind is all over the place. This letter is not close to making sense but I gotta release this. I gotta say, love, I love you but I also hate you.
J.R. Lewis ©